


Ducking Blows

by HomeIsWhereThePantsArent



Series: Punchline [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aftercare, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, Hand Jobs, Humor, M/M, Major Stupidity, Mild Smut, Minor Mystery, No Spoilers, Roleplay, Rubber Duck Mystery, Valentine's Day, possibly crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:22:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29436738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HomeIsWhereThePantsArent/pseuds/HomeIsWhereThePantsArent
Summary: Instead of an arrow, Cupid shot Levi with an illegal groin kick during his last fight and sent his Valentine’s plans with Eren into a tailspin of pain and hilarity. To make matters worse, our boys are being dogged by ducks...rubber ducks. Can Eren and Levi have at least one holiday that doesn’t go awry? Is Monsters, Inc. a sexy movie? Do we find out what the function of a rubber duck is?This might not quite be a crack fic, but it’s most definitely a quack fic. I’m going to hell for these puns, but I’m taking you with me.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Series: Punchline [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016104
Comments: 23
Kudos: 29





	Ducking Blows

**Author's Note:**

> This Valentine’s might be a bit unconventional for us, but I have hopes that you can find love if you’re in need of it, especially love for yourself <3 
> 
> This is part 4 in the Punchline series, but it should work okay as a standalone. The main things to note are Levi is an MMA fighter and has been dating Eren for the past couple months. Zeke is also an MMA fighter and had a fight with Levi a couple months back, but he also brought a maelstrom of drama down on Eren and has been trying to make amends. Also, Kenny and Erwin are Levi’s instructors in the martial arts.

“We are LIVE in the octagon tonight, folks, and it’s been one hell of a first round for Ackerman. Kid’s not much of a striker usually, but he has landed some clean hits. Right, Paul?”

“Sure thing, Art. He’s, ha, certainly got his corner fired up. For those who don’t know, Levi’s uncle, Kenny Ackerman, AKA The Ripper, was the undisputed champion of the same division his nephew is currently fighting during the UFC’s early days. The Ripper’s got quite the voice, so you can actually hear some of what he’s saying over the crowd. Let’s listen in for a second.”

“LEVI! Pull your head out of your arse and start throwing with your RIGHT. Your left is SHIT. Even when soft, my dick still hits harder than—”

“WELL, Art, I’d say we should get back to commenting. Art, stop laughing, man. We’ve got a job to—OH.”

“Levi is _down_.”

“Yes, but not out. Gods, my toes are curling up. That illegal kick, man. I’m clutching myself under the desk.”

“Yeah, me too, Art. For any casual fans out there who are uncertain about whether you can kick your opponent’s groin in the UFC, you cannot.”

“We’re watching the replay now.”

“Do we have to? Oh, Art, man. His toes went _right_ up under the cup. Just _dug_ in there, like a cleat into turf.”

“Yeah. Oh man, Ackerman is kneeling on the mat, coughing up something. Yup, his opponent will lose a point for that one. Oh, boy, Paul. I sure hope Ackerman didn’t, ha, have any special plans for Valentine’s Day tomorrow.”

“One can only hope, Art...This fight is brought to you by Titanade, the official sports drink of the UFC.”

***

Levi was _pissed_. He was also livid, furious, and a little bit uncertain of his place in the universe. He hadn’t known he was testing whether the gods were real or not when he said to Eren, “I’ll beat the guy by the second round and take no damage to my face. We’ll have dinner amongst all the other assholes at the Braus Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day and no one will know I was in a fight the night before.”

Levi hadn’t spoken a single lie in that sentence. He had choked the guy out before the second buzzer. But he had forgotten to specify that he also wouldn’t take damage to any part of his body that he intended to put to good use on Valentine’s. He bet that at least one of the gods, probably Sina, that uppity bitch, had heard what he said and rearranged the stars just so Sir Kicks Dicks’ toes would nest in his nethers.

Levi spent that night with a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a towel on his dick while Isabel snickered whenever Levi so much as winced and Furlan bounced between smirking and sympathetically rubbing his own thigh with a grimace. But the worst person to break the news to was his actual boyfriend because Eren was annoyingly understanding.

“I, uh, saw the fight,” Eren said on the phone as Kenny drove Levi home from the arena after the fight. “You hustled really well to take him down.”

“Of fucking course I did. I was pissed off,” Levi snarled. Not at Eren of course. At Sina, the willy-kicking wench.

“Yeah, I can see why you would have been.” Eren’s voice rose an octave, probably as he replayed the moment in his mind and empathized with Levi.

“Levi, here,” Kenny said, reaching around the floor of the car to grab an errant water bottle with particles of ice in it to pass to Levi.

“Kenny, you shouldn’t be driving with shit rolling around the floor. It could get wedged under the pedal and then we end up using a tree as the fucking brakes.”

“Eh? Oh, fuck me!” Kenny had looked over at his pissy nephew long enough to miss the taillights of the car in front flaring up, but short enough to be able to avoid a collision. Unfortunately, Sina struck again. Or maybe she had her sisters back her up with rearranging the heavens this time because the chain of events seemed more complex. Kenny braked, Levi hadn’t quite gotten a grip on the water bottle, the condensation made it slippery, and the bottle swan dived to the place it was supposed to helping, not hurting further.

“KENNY.”

“Oh, shit. Sorry, kiddo.” Kenny’s face crinkled, probably with the memory of similar shots he’d eaten during his fighting days. “You piss on the gods’ altar or something? Twice in one night...We’ve got to work on your ducking and dodging game.”

“I can’t duck stupid.”

“Yeah, well, you can stupidly dick and get your duck kick—oops, fucked that one up.” Kenny laughed at his own unavoidable stupidity. “I’m quacking up tonight.”

“Fucking stupid.” Levi spat, but inside he laughed. When he had less rage and more composure, he put the phone back up to his ear.

Eren asked meekly, “Is everything okay?”

“No, goddammit.” Levi gingerly put the icy water bottle on his crotch. “You’d think we’re making wine tonight with everyone stomping my grapes.” 

Levi took in a deep breath, both to cool his mind and ease the pain. He sighed it out. “Sorry, Eren. Tomorrow isn’t going to be as fun.”

“It’ll be fine. I’ll still see you, right?”

“Fuck yeah.” Levi managed a smile. A small one. Well, more of a grimace. “They’ll have to take my legs too to keep me away from you.”

“You won’t even need your legs. I’ll pick you up tomorrow. Not that I think you’ll lose your legs between now and tomorrow,” Eren said.

“I don’t know. I might considering how shittily Kenny drives.”

“If you want to walk home with your legs spread like you’ve been riding a horse for the past couple hours, be my fucking guest,” Kenny said, honking as the car in front kept breaking for every snowflake the wind kicked up. “The gas is the other pedal, asshole!”

“...I love you, Napoleon,” Eren said when Kenny stopped yelling.

“I love you too, brat.”

***

Levi didn’t sleep well that night. He never did after a fight due to the pain, and he had certainly been in pain last night...but he felt as though there was something more to his restless night. Like he was being watched from somewhere unseen. Sometimes after taking hits to the head, he felt like someone titled the axis of the Earth slightly off and he was at risk of falling back on his ass for it. Maybe getting punted in the dick made him feel like the gods were waiting to grab him by the ankles as he got out of bed and shove someone’s toes up his ass too.

Late in the morning, Levi decided to test whether the Gods were hanging around the underside of his bed by getting out of it, and he was not dragged to hell. He felt on par with how he felt the night before. There was less sharp pain, but more swelling and tightness, which made even walking up the stairs feel like he was crossing a minefield. Worse, the minefield was in his pants and not in a fun way. It didn’t help that someone for reasons unknown, but probably stupid ones, had left a rubber duck at the top of his stairs that almost sent him into the splits.

“Isabel!” Levi yelled as she sat sketching something at the counter. She looked up and he tossed the duck to her. “Don’t leave your damn ducks lying around.”

“They’re not my ducks. I just found them around the house.” Isabel giggled as she looked over the one Levi had tossed at her. “Aw, this guy has a top hat. He’ll go nicely with this one.”

Levi wandered over and looked into her cereal bowl which indeed had a duck with a polka dot bonnet floating in the leftover milk. Levi looked at her. “You found these around the house?”

“Yeah. I think they’re great little guys. I named the one I found Bonnie.” She continued sketching the duck with the bonnet and took no notice of Levi giving her a skeptical look. Unlike ducks in the wild, rubber ones didn’t just spawn when your Froot Loops were gone.

“What do you want to name you duckie?” Isabel asked, setting him up in the bowl for some sweet lovins with Bonnie.

“I don’t give a shit. You name the little bastard.”

Isabel giggled. “Little Bastard sounds good to me. Either that or Richard. Someone in a top hat, could go either way.”

“Did Furlan leave for his date already?” Levi asked as he hobbled about the kitchen to make himself tea.

“He did. He looked so good!” Isabel chirped. “I think he brushed his hair.”

“Hopefully he remembered to brush his teeth too.” Levi pulled out his phone to send Furlan a bitchy text, telling him not to fuck around with ducks and stairs, although Levi suspected Isabel still. Furlan had about as much of a sense of humour as Levi had patience for rubber animals on his goddamn stairs.

Levi was surprised when instead of a middle finger emoji he got an uncharacteristically ragey call from Furlan.

“They are _literally_ your own goddamn ducks!” Furlan shouted through the phone at him. “I know they are because I heard about how you and Mikasa won a fuck ton of them at that carnival the other weekend. Your ducks, so you can fucking put them in a row, dickhead.”

Levi had been suspicious of the ducks because he remembered stuffing the bonneted one down Eren’s pants when he complained about being cold as they walked among the food stalls toting cider and beavertails. Maybe it was Eren then, somehow leaving the ducks around as an act of vengeance for making his ass cold.

“Okay, fair, asshat,” Levi said. “What’s up with you? Your date catfish you? Or did your date think you catfished her because you actually bathed and dressed nicely?”

“Levi, fuck off.”

Levi paused. It actually sounded like Furlan meant that one.

“Sorry,” Furlan muttered. So he had meant it.

“What’s up, man?”

“Nothing.” Levi waited for Furlan’s pride to melt. “I just got stood up, is all.”

“Shit.” It had taken Furlan a couple weeks to work up the courage to talk to the barista at their favourite local coffee shop, Do Bitter. And another week to talk to her about something more intimate than how much a donut would cost. And Isabel about 15 seconds to ask if the lady was single, into men, and how she felt about dogs while Furlan stood with his face turning red in his hands beside her. Levi said, “I’m sorry, man.”

“It’s fine. It just sucks.” Furlan sighed. “As far as I know, I didn’t do anything. It sounds like she got a better offer for tonight. Surf and turf with as many bottles of champagne that her eight-inch waist can handle.”

“Why do you know her dimensions?” Levi asked.

“I don’t. It was just the caption on her Instagram post about her Valentine’s Day plans for the night.”

“Well, she’s lying not just to you, but the world then,” Levi said, “because last time I checked, cows don’t have that small of a stomach. Sorry, man.”

Furlan chuckled. “Thanks. I’m going to take a bit of a walk before coming home. You’re spending the day with Eren, right?”

“Yeah.” He almost felt bad for saying so. Levi had had a modest amount of lovers and friends with benefits, but never a partner, and he never did anything for Valentine’s Day. None of them in his house did, but it seemed like Levi breaking from their pack had inspired Furlan to sniff out new territory. And get his heart pissed on. “I’m going over to his place.”

“Thank fuck for that,” Furlan sighed. “At least then I don’t have to hear you guys going at it through the vents.”

“Not tonight at least, but tomorrow is another day.”

“Asshole,” Furlan said in a resigned way.

After hanging up with Furlan, Levi called Eren to see if he could pick him up early. Maybe Furlan’s feelings would be spared if he didn’t have to be reminded that his miserable best friend was in a happy and loving relationship.

“Thanks, brat. See you soon.” Levi hung up.

Isabel was cackling as she doodled.

“What is it now?” Levi asked, chugging his tea.

“Your pet name for Eren is weird. He’s only a couple years younger than you.”

“And he’s a pain in my ass like a brat kid.”

“I think a pet name should be sweet.” Isabel blew eraser shavings off her duck drawing. She had taken some liberties in giving it rosy cheeks and double D’s. “What about honey bunny? Sugar bear? Huggy-buggy boy?”

Levi snorted. “Fuck off, Isabel.” 

“Huggy-buggy bunny? Honey bear? Sugar boy—ha, that one sounds dirty.” Isabel laughed at her own idiotic genius. Levi noogied her head but she kept laughing. “C-could you _imagine_ you calling Eren any of those?”

“No.” Moving slowly, Levi grabbed his mug and her cereal bowl, glaring at the ducks bobbing in the slightly pink milk, and dumped them in the sink. As he tottered to the couch to sit until Eren got to his place, he said, “The only pet names he gets are brat and the standard asshole.”

“Not even a dear?” Isabel asked, coming over to the living room to stretch out on the floor.

“No.”

“Or sweetie?”

“His mom calls him that.”

“What about babe?”

Levi didn’t answer that one. Once in their relationship, in a snowglobe’s whirlwind of tenuous emotion, yeah, Levi had said that to calm Eren down.

“Do the dishes, Isabel. Don’t just wait for Furlan to get annoyed and do them.” Levi stared down the hallway where Furlan’s bedroom was. “He’s had a shit day and is in a foul enough mood already.”

Isabel looked at him. “Fouler than you?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Levi felt his phone buzz and saw Eren was almost there. He pushed himself up and wandered over to the closet to slip his coat on. “Because he got stood up.

Isabel starfished and sighed. “Poor, Furlan…getting rejected _on_ Valentine’s Day.”

“Yeah, so do the dishes and maybe order a pizza or something.”

Isabel stuck her tongue out. “Pizza is sad food.”

“What the fuck does that mean? Pizza has always made you happy.”

“It’s just sad food, like ice cream and chocolates. You eat it when you’re sad because it melts into the cracks of your heart and clogs you up so you feel full.”

“Yeah, that amount of dairy would clog you up.”

“I meant your heart, not your asshole.”

Levi checked himself over in the mirror and removed a couple hairs from his coat sleeves. “No you didn’t.”

Isabel giggled. “You’re right.”

They heard the sound of Furlan attempting to open the door, realize it was locked, curse at it for being locked, and jiggle his keys in the lock.

“I’m heading out. No more goddamn ducks, either.” Levi walked down the stairs just as Furlan opened the door.

“Slip old bunny-bear sugar-boy the tongue for me, okay?” Isabel called after him.

Furlan looked up and furrowed his brow. “What did she say?”

“To stick my tongue down Winnie the Shit’s throat, apparently,” Levi said flatly as he squeezed past Furlan and didn’t quite properly estimate how little he could squeeze. Walking had never been this difficult.

“What the fuck does that even mean?” Furlan asked. He rounded on Isabel. “What are _you_ cackling about? God fucking dammit. Everyone’s an asshole today.”

***

Even just watching Levi navigate the immaculately snow-free driveway with such bambi feet, Eren was fairly certain nothing they had planned for the day would be done. They had forgone presents because they agreed a delicious meal was better than roses or chocolates, but would Levi be comfortable sitting for a couple hours in his dress pants? Taking a bath together was still possible, but not the stuff that was dirty enough to make even the soap bar blush.

When Levi asked him to pick him up earlier to spare Furlan’s feelings, Eren was happy to do so. He also thought they could pal around at Eren’s place to see just what Levi’s range of motion was.

“Did I beat Furlan home?” Eren asked.

“No, he walked in just as you were coming up the street.”

Eren shook his head. “Everyone is free to say no to a date they’re uncomfortable about going on, but—”

“Not to make someone wait half an hour at a coffee shop because some other asshole can afford to drop a couple hundred dollars on a first date?” Levi snorted. “Furlan’s better off finding out before the gates are even open that the horse he bet on was actually a jackass, but it still sucks for today.”

From the corner of his eye, Eren watched Levi re-adjust in his seat and heard him hiss in pain when Eren’s distracted driving made him jerk the wheel so they wouldn’t miss their turn. “Sorry, Levi. So...it hurts pretty bad?”

“Yeah,” Levi grunted. He tried to smile, but there was still some pain crinkling his eyes. “The medic checked me out and didn’t see any immediate cause for concern. I finally stopped pissing blood this morning. Sexy, I know.”

Eren felt sympathy drag a nail from his belly button to his balls. _Ouch_. Eren wouldn’t even wish that level of pain on his rich, jerky, privileged, monkey-esque half-brother, Zeke, and he probably was the most deserving of all the people he knew.

Levi shifted and cursed as he pulled something out of his coat pocket. “For fuck’s sake, Isabel…”

Eren snuck a glance at what Levi had pulled out and stomped the brakes.

“Fuck, Eren, gentle.” 

“Why do you have that?” Eren asked, pointing at the rubber duck with an ascot in Levi’s hand. He could feel his grip tightening on the steering wheel.

Levi must have noticed him tensing because his gaze got sharper. “Do you know something about these ducks?”

“Do _you_?” Eren only knew that for the past week and a half, he had been haunted by rubber ducks. 

The ducks had come from a winter carnival they went to with Armin and Mikasa shortly after Christmas. Besides enjoying hot apple cider and maple snow taffy, Levi and Mikasa thought they could settle who the most Ackerman of them was by attempting to outdo each other at carnival games. So, Eren and Armin stood shivering in the snow for the better part of an hour while their idiots battled.

Both were exceptionally skilled with hand-eye coordination and had enough ammo in their guns to whip snowballs hard enough to take out the wooden penguins. It might have been the only time a carnival game lost money on their cheapest prize. Carting around multiple, large stuffed penguins would be ridiculous, so instead they opted for the rubber ducks as prizes, which seemed like a win to the game master when Mikasa won her first large prize and opted for three rubber ducks instead. But when Levi and Mikasa kept winning and needed a garbage bag to take their ducky spoils home, the game master started to look more like his usual customers—like his hopes and dreams had boarded a train whose rails ended far beyond the sunset. 

Armin and Eren had convinced Mikasa and Levi to part with at least half the ducks, and by the time they finished playing, they had plenty of fans to gift them to. But the other half had come home to his shared apartment with Mikasa and Armin, and ever since they came home, Eren would find them in strange places. Sometimes in the fridge, sometimes in his shoes, sometimes in the egg carton. He had almost peed on one when he stumbled to the bathroom and found it doing gentle, maniacal circles in the toilet bowl. Mikasa complained of finding ducks in her sports bras and Armin hated the ducks because they were a grim reminder that he lived at the mercy of his idiotic friends.

At first, Eren had thought it must be one of his roommates who was moving the ducks, but Mikasa said it wasn’t her and Armin, being a great intellect, didn’t seem the type to wake up at four in the morning to beat Eren to the bathroom to put a duck in the toilet. 

When Levi pulled a duck out of his pocket, Eren automatically thought leaving the ducks around must be some weird and creepy way of Levi saying he loved him. But Levi hadn’t been at the apartment this morning and couldn’t have put the duck in his cup on the bathroom sink. So unless Levi had his own secret stash of ducks that he was putting around his own house, Eren was beginning to believe the ducks were sentient.

“I almost body slammed my dick because someone left one at the stop of the stairs this morning.” Levi considered his pocket duck. “This one’s kinda cute though.”

So long as Eren didn’t find it haunting the bathroom sink, he would allow Levi to enjoy the ducky curse he and Mikasa had brought upon their households.

***

They met Mikasa in the hallway outside Eren’s apartment, leaning against the wall. She bumped fists with Levi as Armin came out of the apartment and made to lock the door until he realized Eren was home.

“Have fun. Or as much as you can,” Mikasa said with a sympathetic look. 

Eren had watched last night’s fights with her. When the illegal kick happened, they both had sucked in a breath through their teeth. Mikasa let hers out to say, “Bet he’ll take the guy out in the next 30 seconds because he’s pissed you won’t be able to blow him tomorrow.”

The fact that it took Levi 45 seconds was a testament to how hard the kick was.

On his way past Eren, Armin whispered that he had put a couple cold compresses in the freezer.

Within 30 minutes of being back at his apartment and simply vegging on the couch, Levi had shifted positions over 20 times. Eren rubbed Levi’s shoulder. “Mikasa and Armin left for the day. Why don’t you just take off your pants and relax?”

“If I take them off, I’m not sure I’ll be able to put them back on, and that’s not dirty talk.” Levi readjusted again. “It would be sort of like taking off a pair of sweaty, shitty underwear and then having to put them back on after taking a shower.”

Eren chuckled as he kissed the side of Levi’s head. “Thinking on that, how would you feel about skipping dinner out?”

Levi looked at Eren like how he looked at his opponent when he stepped in the octagon to fight. Levi almost always had his dead-eye stare on, but this was a calculated one. “It’s the one thing we said we would do for each other. Do you want our first Valentine’s together to just be us sitting in our underwear watching Monsters Dink?”

“Monsters _Inc_ ,” Eren laughed. “There’s _nothing_ sexual about that movie.”

Levi gave him a dry look. “You do realize a one-eyed monster is a euphemism for a dick right? Besides, the blue one’s definitely a furry and the purple lizard has probably seen some kinky shit. Motherfucker can turn invisible and he looks like a sex toy for aliens.”

Eren buried his face in Levi’s neck. He felt Levi chuckle, and then draw in a breath as he yet again needed to shift.

“Okay,” Levi said, “you may have a point. So what do we do instead?”

***

They moved to Eren’s bedroom where Eren sat at his desk, searching for takeout options. Levi lounged on Eren’s bed while phoning Isabel to see if she and Furlan wanted their reservation at the Braus Haus.

“How would you feel about sushi? We would just have to eat it at about 10:00 p.m. because they’re booked solid until then.” Eren sighed.

“That’s a long time to wait for raw fish,” Levi said as he hung up the phone. “Apparently Furlan’s been moping in his room. Isabel made him pancakes with those cinnamon heart candies in them. He wouldn’t come out so she tried shoving them under his door and it didn’t even faze him.”

Eren frowned. “He didn’t want pancakes? He must be really upset.”

“Well, they were made by Isabel, and she doesn’t know the difference between baking soda and salt.”

Levi sagged as Isabel texted back that Furlan might have considered going to the restaurant in their stead if it hadn’t been the place his date would be going tonight, but Isabel had found someone else to give the reservation to.

“Hey,”. Eren got up from his desk and sat on the bed beside Levi

“Hey.” Levi put his arm around Eren’s waist.

“How would you feel about just rescheduling all of Valentine’s Day?”

Levi looked away from the snap Isabel had sent him of her trying to tuck a packet of syrup under Furlan’s door to pair with the pancake. “How so?”

“You’re hurt, your best friend is upset, I can’t find any place that isn’t pizza, shawarma, or shawarma pizza that can feed us before midnight.” Eren picked lint off Levi’s shirt and shrugged. “We could just order pizza for everyone and watch stupid movies at your place for today and celebrate another day. I mean, the holiday has a heteronormative origin story and in modern days it’s about consumerism, so it’s not really a special day...”

“Yeah, I agree. Besides, we shouldn’t run the risk,” Levi said, kissing Eren’s knuckles.

Eren furrowed his brow. “Run the risk of what?”

“Feeding you after midnight. Paradis isn’t ready for gremlin Eren.”

“I thought getting them wet was the bad thing to do?”

“Getting them wet just makes them multiply, which normally I wouldn’t have an issue with, but I can’t even take on one Eren today with the state of my junk.” 

Eren laughed against Levi’s lips, lingering, and then full-on making out. Levi turned his body ever so slightly too far and pinched himself between his legs.

“Sorry,” Eren said, his own face twitching in sympathy.

They sat up on the edge of the bed so Levi could spread his legs and Eren could rub his back. Levi sighed, “You have shit to apologize for. I shouldn’t have taken the fight. I fucked this one up.”

“I don’t mind. I mean, it sucks you got hurt, of course, I just meant it’s fine that things didn’t go as planned.” Eren was silent for a moment and then laughed. “I think we’re just destined to have none of our plans work. Remember last Christmas?”

“Goddamn ugly Christmas sweaters,” Levi huffed.

“Honestly, the hardest thing about today or any day really, would be not touching you. Not that I’m not capable of keeping my hands to myself,” Eren said quickly, waving his hands. “Men aren’t sex crazed animals...consent is key…”

Levi stiffened. Not in a pained way for fucking once, but in a I-just-thought-of-something way. Well, it wouldn’t be the first time today that Levi thought of what his hands, Eren’s body, and some sobering thoughts to keep his libido in check could do. “Only you have to keep your hands to yourself.”

Eren looked at him. “Sure, but isn’t that like eating in front of a starving man?”

“Well, I could shove pancakes under your door if you want instead to prove how much I love you.”

Eren, fuck his stupid sense of fairness, shook his head, but squirmed on the bed. “I mean, I’d love for you to touch me, and I think it’s very sweet, but are you okay with not getting reciprocation? And if you get turned on, that might hurt.”

“Eren, all I have to do is think of the amount of lint and dust under Isabel’s bed because she never lets me vacuum her goddamn room and I’ll be floppier than your wagging tongue.” For good measure, Levi put his mouth against Eren’s ear and whispered, “I really want to touch your Mike Wazowski.”

Eren lost it. He buried his face in Levi’s neck and kissed along his throat. “I should have never introduced you to Disney movies.”

Levi pecked him once more and pulled on the waistband of Eren’s jeans. “Pants off. Everything off, actually. I might have to get creative to make up for only having one joystick in the game.”

Eren’s shirt was halfway off and his arms were sticking up like antennas as he laughed. “Gods, please don’t treat my dick like you’re trying to play Pac Man.”

Levi rolled Eren’s desk chair over because there wasn’t a good way for him to sit on the bed and not crush his balls, twinge his back, or take another accidental groin shot if Eren got frisky. “Ready player one?”

“Yeah,” Eren said, naked and laying on the bed, “but it feels weird to not have you closer to me.”

They held each other’s hand and shared a look that basically said, _yeah, shit’s fucked_ , and then Levi pulled himself closer to kiss Eren. Levi held Eren’s head with one hand and sent his other out to roam blindly, like a satellite in space. He catalogued dips and divots, orbited sensitive spots and places of interest, combed hard flesh and through soft hair.

Eren tipped his chin up and Levi pretended to take a bite out of his Adam’s apple. He could feel the laughter buzz in Eren’s throat against his lips. Eren said, already a little husky in the voice, “I love you.”

“I love you too, brat.” Levi pulled back and let his hands rest for a moment. “What are you thinking? Handjob, blowjob? On your back or belly?”

“All your talk about games and movie characters, I was wondering how you would feel about roleplay?” Eren guided Levi’s hand up and down his chest. “Just something simple. I think you playing along might help me feel like you’re able to be with me.”

“Sure.” Levi hadn’t roleplayed before and said as much, but he’d give it an honest go. He snagged some lotion from the drawer of Eren’s beside table, though it was hard to find on account of all the rubber ducks crowding the drawer, but Levi didn’t think mentioning them would help Eren get in the mood. He shut the drawer and lathered Eren up. “I’m in a chair, so, doctor and patient?”

Eren chuckled. “Yeah, that would be most people’s go to, but...my dad is a doctor.”

“Fuck, Grisha. Shit, not fuck Grisha. Fuck something that is as far away from your father as possible.” Levi ran his hand along Eren’s torso, thumbing his nipple like it was a remote control for his thoughts. Levi was only about a quarter serious when he said, “Frankenstein and Frankenstein’s monster? I can yell out ‘It’s alive!’ when your dick gets hard.”

Levi watched Eren’s abs contract as he laughed. “I don’t know who has it worse. Me having to pretend to be made from multiple dead bodies or you pretending to rub off a cadavere.”

Levi wrinkled his nose. “Dead meat does sound fucking gross. Fucking maggoty dick. Disgusting.”

“Yeah, happy Valentine’s to you too.” Eren thought for a moment. “How about something like I’m a soldier in my cot and you’re my commanding officer?”

Levi raised a brow. “Is this a kink of yours?”

“No, not really, but I think you’d make a good officer. I mean that in the best of ways.” Eren looked at him and Levi believed him. Eren smiled. “You’re disciplined, determined, brave.”

“Enough stroking my ego when I should be stroking yours.” Levi scraped his fingernails through the hair at the base of Eren’s dick. “Okay, brat. I’m your captain and you're my private. This is dirty without me even trying.”

“What are my orders, captain?” Eren asked very seriously and Levi almost broke into laughter.

“It’s not looking good, soldier,” Levi said, cupping Eren’s balls and feeling a twinge in his own. _Think of all those fucking dust bunnies under Isabel’s bed. You haven’t vacuumed under her bed since you moved in years ago. Fucking disgusting._ Levi settled down and enjoyed watching the muscles of Eren’s stomach twitch when his hands did something right.

“Why not?” Eren asked, looking mighty composed for some whose supposed captain was using his testes as stress balls.

“Because we’re at war, you dumb bastard.”

Eren bit back a laugh, but he was starting to get hard. “With who?”

Levi paused. “Zombies.” 

Now Eren did laugh. Levi hadn’t exactly had time to draft an alignment chart for their characters.

Eren put his hands over his eyes but his smile was visible. “ _Zombies?_ ”

“What did you want me to say?” Levi didn’t really give a shit whether this fantasy worked out. He wasn’t sure he could make it work. He didn’t consider himself a creative soul. “Vampires? The unnecessary gendering of everyday products? Giant naked cannibals?”

“I know you’re joking about the gendering thing, but pink tax is real and who really cares if you call tampons sanitary products instead of feminine—”

Levi gave Eren’s dick a squeeze and he seemed to have trouble putting together sounds that actually formed words. “Zombies.”

“Okay.” Eren gripped the sheets. “What’s my mission against the zombie horde?”

Levi smiled as the muscles of Eren’s stomach formed waves and for the first time in his life, Levi wished he had been born a boat. Or a rubber duck. _For fuck’s sake_...“Shouldn’t you be asking why your superior officer is wanking you off?”

Eren let out a shaky laugh. “I assumed it was because the mission was going to be...hard?”

Levi smiled. “Of course.”

“And long?”

“Above average, for sure.”

“And,” Eren grabbed the edge of the mattress and bit his lip as Levi found a rhythm he liked, “dangerous?”

Levi gingerly leaned forward. “Yes.”

The moment he confirmed that Eren was in danger, something in Levi shifted. He kissed Eren and thought Eren might accuse him of being a zombie defacto with how much intensity his mouth worked. Levi could feel Eren’s increasingly frantic breath from his nose buffeting his cheek and hear his legs twitch on the mattress. _What would I do?_ Levi thought.

Levi pulled his face back for a moment. “I’m sorry, Eren.”

Eren blinked a couple times. “What? What for?”

Levi thumbed Eren’s cheek. “Those flesh frights are waiting for you outside this bunker. They’ll probably eat you dick first.”

Eren tried to stay composed. “Sounds like hell, captain.”

“It will be. So I’ll give you one last night in heaven.” Levi stopped working Eren’s dick and took him in his arms. They had time. It was barely the afternoon and they had no firm plans, certainly no steakhouses or sushi to be pining for. Levi knew Eren loved a firm touch, but he was screwing his thumbs in and burying his knuckles into Eren’s body as much for him as he was for himself. Any time Eren made a particularly noisy noise or his muscles rippled, Levi went back and worked that spot over until Eren either relaxed or asked him to move on. _What would I do_ , Levi thought as Eren requested him to use his teeth on his chest, _if this was our last? If you were gone tomorrow?_

Levi kept his nails cut to the quick because under the nails was a warren for germ fuckery, but he dragged what little he had against Eren’s skin.

“Harder,” Eren asked. Levi left pink trails on his chest.

If Eren was to die tomorrow, Levi really would have liked his dick to be in working order. Although, thinking about Eren’s mortality was as, if not more, sobering than several years worth of dust bunnies. If zombies, war, or even just a speeding garbage truck broke the delicate string of life between them, Levi would be pissed. And very, very, very sad. 

Levi didn’t even have to touch Eren’s genitals to get him to squirm. Levi wasn’t being the proverbial cat tossing the unfortunate mouse and he hoped Eren knew that. He’d get him off, for sure, but, his mind had drifted off to a previously unexplored section in his skull. Fuck though, he probably should check in with Eren. He had stopped communicating somewhere between Levi running scales on his spine and digging his teeth into his left pec.

“Eren, you’re quiet.” Levi looked up and stopped touching him. “Shit, what is it?”

Eren wasn’t in tears, but there was a lot of emotion pulling on the corners of his face. “You don’t need to stop.”

“Am I hurting you?”

Eren shook his head. “No. I love what you’re doing. Probably the best we’ve ever—you’re intense and it’s amazing. Intense emotionally...it’s really nice to see you opening up.”

Levi bent and waited for Eren to reach up to kiss him, play with the fuzz on the back of Levi’s neck, and guide Levi’s hands to where Eren wanted them on his body.

Eren paused and looked at him. “Levi, are _you_ okay?”

“Yes.” That seemed the easiest and only answer he could give right now. Well, he could say ‘I’ve upset myself a bit because I’m picturing zombies slobbering over your corpse and wondering how I would deal with the heartache of losing you, but touching you is helping me take my mind off that, so can I keep jerking on your joystick?’, but he didn’t think it sounded very Valentines-y. “Shall we soldier on?”

Eren reached up to kiss him once more and laid back down. Levi returned to stroking Eren and tried to picture dust bunnies instead of Eren walking out a doorway into a bright white light. 

He watched Eren breathing and felt his lips on his palm. Levi didn’t believe in soulmates. He thought the idea was at best stupid and at worst lonely. If there was only one person per person and people found out about that shit, he could see a lot of people going insane in the pursuit of their one true person. If people thought Gatsby was intense, imagine every person in the world looking out for their green light somewhere across the pond, lake, ocean, world. And Levi didn’t even _like_ people all that much, but he could see people focusing on finding that promised person and ignoring everyone else that might be worth tolerating. Without people like Furlan and Isabel in his life, the only use for people he would find would be as ATMs he punched to be able to afford rent.

Eren’s grip on his forearm brought him back. “I’m almost there.”

Levi put his mouth next to Eren’s ear. “What do you need, soldier boy?”

Eren gently pushed Levi up and rubbed the back of his neck. “Nothing. Just keep looking me in the eye.”

If there was one thing fighting had taught him (it had actually taught him many things, but most should not be applied in the bedroom), it was how to stare someone down who was looking at you intensely. Eren had many buttons. Most of them Levi pressed for his own amusement, but none of them were chill ones.

Eren sat up and wrapped his arms around Levi’s neck. “Kiss me. Quick. Please.”

Levi did and for his effort, he felt Eren buck and release in his hand. Levi waited for Eren’s hips to settle down before laying him back on the bed and grabbing some tissues. He wiped down his own hands and then Eren.

Eren ran his hand down Levi’s back when he turned to toss the tissues in the bin.

“Levi, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’ve got sanitizer in my pocket.” Washing up would be preferable, but he hated running off to the bathroom right after sex. He wanted to stay in the afterglow and he didn’t want Eren to feel alone after being intimate. It was something he was working on and sanitizer was enough for now.

“I didn’t mean that.”

“You mean my dick?” Levi chuckled. “The dust bunnies worked, though I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep in my bed knowing somewhere above me there’s a nest of dust breeding.”

Eren sat up and spun the chair back to face him. “I didn’t mean that either, but I am glad to hear you weren’t in physical pain...but what about mental?”

Levi raised a brow. “I was doing unto you. If anyone is going to be in pain, it’s you. Though I think the nail trails will go away in a couple hours.”

“Sure, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be upset.” When Levi looked down at the ground and shook his head, Eren said, “I thought you seemed down during it, like you looked like you were in pain. Sorry, I shouldn’t make assumptions.”

“No. You’re not wrong.” The alcohol of the sanitizer had long evaporated so he stopped rubbing his hands. “Sorry, you’re right. I am a bit out of it.”

Eren sat up straighter and ran his hands along the side of Levi’s thighs. “What’s up?”

“We were joking around and getting hot. You were looking hot and intense too, and then I just thought...what if you did die?” Levi snorted. “Happy fucking Valentine’s. Hope you like your chocolate dark and bitter.”

“Yeah, I think I caught some of those feelings.” They stared at one another, probably trying to think of something funny that could suck these heavy feelings from them. Levi knew he was trying to think of something sexual to say about cartoon monsters, but he kept biting his tongue. Finally Eren said, with his eyes on the floor, “Losing you would really fucking suck.”

“Yeah,” Levi agreed, “it would suck the biggest Wazowski ever.”

“But,” Eren looked him in the eye and said very softly, “it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Tomorrows would keep coming and you would learn to be happy again. And I’m not saying you don’t have a heart or that it’s as cold and lifeless as your eyes. It’s just...not okay for anyone to hinge all their happiness on another person. I know you know that.”

“You know exactly what to say to turn me. Keep talking about that sub-zero fridge in my chest.” Levi pawed at Eren, making him squirm as he found clusters of nerves.

Eren chuckled. “Levi, I want to make sure you know that it’s okay that you feel the way you do and that you are okay here and now. How can I make you feel comfortable?”

Eren seemed worried and Levi knew his mind was stewing in some odd juices what with his physical pain and the oddity that it had brought today. Levi nodded at the bed. “Lay down.”

Levi, moving like a waiter that may have overestimated his carrying capacity, laid himself next to Eren and rested his head on his chest. They would never go cold because Eren was a goddamn furnace, but he wasn’t as sweaty as normal. Levi felt the sort of tide sensation of Eren breathing, heard the little gurgles of a stomach that had not eaten in a couple hours, and, of course, heard Eren’s heartbeat. Eren was in excellent shape with their training at the dojo, so his heart had already regained a regular rhythm, probably a bit on the slower side than most.

“I’m sorry you feel down, but I’m here and don’t plan on going anywhere,” Eren said and Levi felt the vibrations, somehow making Eren’s words seem even warmer than the little bleeding heart boy already was. “But...I think I also need to say, wow. What a session. You were amazing. So attentive and passionate. I could feel every callus on your hand. I only wish you could have felt what I felt.”

“You can get me back another time.” Levi gently ran his fingers around the hair around Eren’s dick. “You and your green one-eyed monster.”

“Gods, I sure hope it’s not green.”

“Also,” Levi rested his chin on Eren’s chest and lovingly ran a hand through his hair, “don’t freak out but there’s a platoon of rubber ducks in the drawer where you keep the lotion.”

“For fuck’s sake…”

***

They called Isabel to let her know they would be coming back over and bringing pizza with them, so she could stop shoving things under Furlan’s door. Before that, Eren insisted they take that bath they had talked about. Sure, they wouldn’t make the soap blush, but Eren knew how good being freshly bathed made Levi feel and he was still concerned Levi’s mind was running on a low setting. That and Eren had spent the morning scrubbing every inch of the tub and tweezering every stray hair out of it for Levi. When Levi saw how clean the bathroom was, Eren thought he might say damn the pain and bend him over the bathtub. Instead, they simply soaked, with Levi leaning against Eren’s chest, and Eren piling bubbles on his head.

“You’re a goddamn child,” Levi told him as the bubble tower tumbled and left a cluster to pop on his nose. “Also, where are all my rubber ducks?”

Eren groaned. “I’d hoped you had forgotten about them.”

“It’s kind of hard to forget about them when they were littering your bookcase, watching me rub you off.” Levi ran a wet hand over his head to melt any remaining bubbles. “I can’t decide whether it was kinky or creepy.”

Eren hesitated, but his own mind was playing peekaboo with sanity. “Levi, I wouldn’t be mad, but I have to ask...are you involved with the ducks?”

Levi looked over his shoulder and glared. “Fuck no. I think I find them more hilarious than you do, but I don’t know who’s putting them around our homes.”

“It’s got to be Armin or Mikasa because the ducks all came home with me. They’re still in a garbage bag under the sink.” Eren looked superstitiously over at the sink next to the toilet, half expecting the door to creak open and a plastic orange bill to ominously poke out.

“Yeah, and one of my friends too because they’ve spread to my home. I’d say it’s Isabel’s brand of humour, but she didn’t crack when I interrogated her this morning.”

“So, Furlan then?”

Levi laughed hard enough that the water rippled. “Yeah fucking right. Furlan’s too vanilla. It could be Kenny, the old bastard, though usually he just sticks his finger in my ear.”

Eren nodded. “Yeah, Kenny would think it’s hilarious if I slowly went insane.”

Levi grabbed Eren’s hands and guided them around any bruises and tender parts on his body. “If they bother you that much, I’ll talk to my idiots and you can talk to yours. They would stop if they knew you were upset.”

“No, I’m overreacting. I just really want to know who’s mucking around.” Eren kissed up Levi’s neck and let out a warm breath. He might regret asking this, but what little pleasure he could offer Levi, he would. “Do you want the damn ducks in the tub with us?”

“I would like the damn ducks in the tub with us.”

Eren sighed dramatically as he stood up. Levi pinched his ass as he got out of the tub to wander over to the sink. The garbage bag of ducks was suspiciously light. In fact, all but two had flown the garbage bag.

“Levi, all the ducks are gone.” Eren was fairly certain he looked ridiculous, standing there naked and dripping with patches of bubbles sludging down his body as he dramatically held an empty garbage bag and two rubber duckies. “There’s just these two and I feel like it’s supposed to be a message.”

Levi looked over languidly and laughed. “Yeah, it’s that we’re being had.”

Eren got back in the tub behind Levi and let the two clown-looking ducks float off his hand to disappear enigmatically into the bubbles.

***

Smelling of lavender, and feeling incredibly relaxed and soothed wearing Eren’s sweatpants, they returned to Levi’s place, thinking of pizza and rubber ducks. Isabel and Furlan greeted them at the door.

Furlan looked Levi up and down. “You look less pained.”

“Of fucking course I am. I traded out my dress pants for sweatpants.” Levi bumped his fist against Furlan’s shoulder. “You looked better too.”

“Yeah, well, I also took a shower because I stepped on a syrup packet.” Furlan looked over at Isabel who was tugging Eren’s coat off to hang in the closet.

“I think Kenny will stop by later,” Isabel said, bouncing after them as they made their way to the couch. Eren, the beautiful soul that he was, sat between him and Isabel so that the chances of her flailing and jollying his roger were slimmer. “I gave him your reservation to the fancy restaurant.”

Furlan and Levi got a chuckle out of that. Levi wasn’t sure Kenny knew how to eat with a knife and fork, and he didn’t think a hip young place that served cocktails that were named after bands younger than Levi was really his scene. He felt for the woman that would accompany Kenny tonight. Although, if she liked dogs, she’d probably find Kenny endearing.

Furlan got their toppings choices for pizza and wandered down the hallway to a quieter part of the house to phone it in while Isabel queued up a romcom. Usually they tended to watch horror movies and thrillers, but Eren had a habit of jumping and had gouged Levi’s eye at one point, so they decided to skip anything with jumpscares.

Not far into the movie, they heard someone at the door and assumed the pizza had arrived. The only thing that had arrived was Kenny, a couple bottles of champagne, and, to everyone’s surprise, Erwin.

Levi wondered why his stoic karate teacher was here, helping Kenny juggle the alcohol and their coats. “Erwin, what the hell are you doing here?”

“Your uncle invited me out for dinner,” Erwin said so matter of factly that Levi couldn’t laugh (at least not much) at him. Now Levi wished they had gone to dinner to watch Kenny and Erwin dine amongst all the young happy couples. He wondered if Erwin had leaned over the table to cut Kenny’s steak for him so that he didn’t have to watch Kenny gnaw pieces off.

Kenny clapped Erwin on the back hard enough that he actually wobbled. “Erwin’s a great date. He knows how to pronounce all the fancy shit on the menu, like ‘charcuterie’, ‘sauvignon’, or ‘asparagus’. Look, I have champagne for you kiddies. That’s one fancy word I know.”

“You didn’t steal those bottles, did you?” Furlan asked.

“I didn’t pay for them.”

“He didn’t steal them,” Erwin confirmed. Erwin looked at Eren and Levi cuddled on the couch. “We ran into Zeke and he gave them to us.”

“He was probably taking the piss out of two older men having dinner together,” Eren sighed.

Levi rubbed Eren’s arm. “Jokes on him then. He spent a couple hundred dollars on us. Those bottles aren’t the cheap shit.”

“Actually,” Kenny said, sitting down on the loveseat next to Furlan and giving him a look, “Zeke said it was for you.”

“Me?” Furlan asked, his eyes going wide. He shared a look with Levi who was just as uncertain what the fuck was going on. Furlan muttered, “I don’t think I’ve said 10 words to the guy.”

Or possibly any words. The only time Furlan has been near Zeke was when Zeke and Levi had their fight. Furlan might have cursed in Zeke’s general direction when he landed hits on Levi, but otherwise, their conversation history was non-existent.

“Well, he had some words for you. Shit...” Kenny snapped his fingers at Erwin, “What were those words?”

Erwin sat in the chair across from Kenny. “Zeke said ‘he didn’t know and is sorry for your shit day’.” Erwin cleared his throat. “And he said ‘bros before hoes’.”

Furlan went tense. “Wait...Zeke, he…”

“He stole your girl,” Levi said, half disbelieving and half amused. Isabel was fully amused as she cackled on the floor.

“But how did he know that...or not know that?” Furlan gave the bottles of champagne the most confused glare.

“He probably pieced it together based on what Kenny told him about...everyone’s Valentine’s plans going awry.” Erwin gave Levi and Eren a fleeting look, and if Eren hadn’t superstitiously pinched his arm, Levi would have asked Erwin to also repeat what Kenny said about his and Eren’s day. Levi at least thought having his sensei talk about his swollen penis would be hilarious.

Furlan was spared responding to this revelation by the doorbell heralding the arrival of their pizzas. He looked a little dumbfounded still as he asked, “Can someone help me grab the pizzas while I pay the delivery person?”

“Coming,” Kenny said, following Furlan to the door.

Kenny came back and set the pizzas on the island while Isabel got plates. Eren opened the first box. He swore and dropped his plate on the floor. “DUCK.”

“Bit late for ducking,” Isabel said as she picked up the shards of Eren’s plate.

“No, there’s another damn duck _in the centre of the pizza_.” Eren pointed viciously at the box. 

Levi came up behind Eren and added his two cents of swears. He rounded on Kenny who was staring curiously into the box. “Kenny, you cock. We’ve had enough of a shit day without this psychological warfare.”

“Eh? What the fuck are you talking about?” Kenny pointed a thumb at the box. “And why’s one of your sex toys in the box?”

Erwin watched with concern from his chair, while Eren blushed and Levi snapped, “What the fuck are you talking about, old man?”

“Isabel said something about fucking ducks and a bath today.”

Levi rounded on Isabel now who was ducking down behind her hoodie.”Is it you then, Isabel?”

“I meant it when I said I didn’t know anything about them,” Isabel muttered through a layer of fabric. “I didn’t touch the pizza boxes. Kenny came in with them and Eren opened them.”

Going by how shook Eren looked, Levi didn’t think he had planted the duck. He looked between Isabel who had the drawstrings of her hoodie pulled so tight only one eye could be seen, and Kenny who was probably trying to figure out how a rubber duck could be used as a sex toy.

“What the hell are you guys yelling about?” Furlan asked as he tucked his wallet away. “You guys all owe me money, by the way.”

“I’m just trying to figure out which of these assholes have been terrorizing my boyfriend.” Levi gestured at Kenny and Isabel. “He’s high strung enough without bath toys being involved.”

Furlan looked at Levi like he was a rubber duck on a pizza. “What?”

“Someone’s been leaving ducks around both mine and Eren’s place, and now one shows up on our pizza. Someone’s playing 3D chess with a 200-level IQ, and Eren’s mind just might crack under a thousand plastic-ass birds.” Levi glared at his uncle who still was considering the sexual function of a rubber duck. “Got anything you want to confess, old man? Or what about you, Isabel? You do love animals, even if they are made of rubber.”

“Yeah, I’ve got something to say,” Kenny said, picking the duck out of the pizza and showing it off. “Is this really what you kids consider a practical joke? Back in my day, we were more upfront about it, not this futzing around. You would just shove a kid’s head in the toilet and they knew they had been had.”

“That,” Eren blinked, “is actually called _bullying_.”

“No it fucking ain’t.” Kenny waved him off. “Bullying is when you _hate_ the kid whose head you’re sticking in the toilet. And call his mom fat.”

“That, yes, that is _also_ bullying.”

Levi turned to Isabel and she shrunk. Furlan stepped between them before he could reach into the pinhole of her hoodie and rip her tongue out. “Okay, Levi. Back off. What makes you think it’s these two? Maybe it’s a Valentine’s special from the pizza place. The duck does have hearts on it.”

“That’s bullshit. And it’s one of them because it sure as fuck isn’t me or Eren.”

Furlan looked irritated. “Yeah, and why can’t it be me then? I’m here too, asshole.”

“It ain’t fucking you either because I’ve eaten chicken wings with bigger funnybones than you.”

“Levi,” Furlan glowered, “ _fuck you_.”

“No, Furlan, fuck you.”

“No!” Furlan yelled. “Fuck _you_ because it _is_ me.”

Everyone, including Erwin who was watching this playout behind steepled fingers, stared. Levi’s brow set. “What?”

“It’s been me all along.” Furlan jabbed a finger at his own chest. “Well, I had help from Armin too, but I came up with the idea and I know where the main horde of ducks is.”

Levi looked to Eren and shared a look. _Furlan knows most of the ducks are gone_ . Maybe he _was_ the real Slim Shady.

“Armin helped?” Eren asked.

Furlan gestured vaguely. “He was very willing to give me the ducks and it sounds like he kept up his end of the bargain to put them around your apartment.”

Levi stared. “Why?”

Furlan furiously knitted his brow, “Because as happy as I am for you that you’ve found someone, you guys are kinda dicks. You made Armin stand out in the cold for an hour to win those damn ducks. Any time Eren sleeps over, I don’t get sleep because I can hear you, well, you know my complaints about the vents. And you took all these ducks leaving probably very few for the kids who should have actually been playing the game.”

“Bullshit,” Levi said, “you don’t care about us taking toys from kids.”

“Okay, fine, I don’t, but the other complaints are valid.” Furlan let out a long slow breath. “I just thought you ought to know what it feels like for us mere mortals to be at your mercy, douchebag.”

Levi and Furlan stared each other down. _Blink, motherfucker_.

Levi asked, “So...how did the duck get in the pizza box? As far as I know, Armin doesn’t work for Papa Jean’s.”

“I told the pizza guy on the phone I’d give him a big tip if he took the duck out of the mailbox and put it in the pizza box. Don’t pull that face.” Furlan rolled his eyes as Levi’s lip curled. “I sanitized the duck, scrubbed the mailbox, and wrapped it in tin foil before putting it in there.”

Levi turned to Isabel. “And you saw nothing of this?”

She shook her head and Furlan sighed. “She was cleaning up pancakes and syrup off my bedroom floor.”

Levi and Furlan stared each other down again. Eren said lightly, “Levi, it’s fine. It’s actually kind of cool, our friend groups mingling and working together, even if it’s against us.”

Levi looked back to Furlan who was starting to sweat. He let a breath out his nose and grabbed Furlan by the arm to pull him into a hug. “You son of a bitch. When the fuck did you grow a sense of humour?”

Furlan chuckled a little nervously, but clapped Levi on the back. “I’ve always had one, asshole. I just don’t usually spend my free time trying to figure out how to make my best friend suffer, unlike my best friend. I am sorry about the duck on the top of the stairs though. I thought you would see it while walking up.”

Levi let Furlan go. “No harm, no fowl.”

Everyone groaned or cussed Levi out, except for Isabel who laughed and nearly choked on a mouthful of pizza until Erwin gave her a firm pat on the back. Everyone else who was hungry grabbed a plate and found a spot on the couch or floor to eat and watch the movie. Somewhere around when the lovers were having a dramatic moment and Eren was thumbing his hand as they sat on the couch, Levi took out his phone and logged into his Twitter account. He let Isabel handle his social media because she enjoyed it for reasons Levi couldn’t fathom, but he didn’t have Zeke’s number and DMing him was the best he could do.

_hey apeth wonder of the world, thanks for the booze_

Levi was surprised when he got a message back immediately.

_this u Levi?_

Levi thought about writing something snarky back, but figured it was better form to bury the hatchet.

_yeah, thanks for being a bro for Furlan’s sake_

  1. _Saw your last fight...how r the string bean and two peas?_



Levi softly snorted. Okay, he’d bury the hatchet in Zeke’s fucking skull then.

_I sure as shit know you haven’t seen my dick. If yours is looking like malnourished Shrek’s in a blizzard, then get yourself checked out before you ground and pound any other asshole women. This world’s enough of a cesspool without your radioactive seed getting around_

Zeke’s response was simple and eloquent. 

_LOL_

_here’s my number. Text me i’m lonely._

Levi tapped Eren and showed him the message thread. He looked confused at first and then straight up bewildered. “Why is he lonely?”

Levi asked and Zeke responded as only he could.

_I didn’t take her home. I’ve been trying to be less of turd-shaped human and banging her doesn’t jive with my lowered POS vibes. That and I kept seeing your boy’s sad ass face in my mind and couldn’t get hard_

Eren sighed. “I didn’t really need to know about my estranged half-brother’s sex life.”

Levi asked, “Are you okay with me texting him?”

“Of course.” Eren kissed Levi’s neck. “It’s weird, but Zeke’s probably going to be more and more a part of our lives. Just don’t feel like you have to, especially if he keeps insulting you.”

“I’ll let you know if he hurts my feelings.”

Levi texted, _hey monkey dung, you’ll always be shit to me <3 _

  
  


***

With the amount of champagne in their systems, Eren ended up needing to stay the night. Between the bath, the alcohol, and having a full day to heal, Levi was feeling less sore. So when Eren said something sassy about if Levi had been a better roommate, then the Duckening wouldn’t have happened, Levi thought that was a good time to trip Eren onto his workout mat and go a second round. In the low light of his basement bedroom, Levi pinned Eren on his back.

“Are you feeling better?” Eren asked, reaching for the drawstring of Levi’s borrowed sweatpants. “Can you get hard without pain, you think?”

“Nah, I’m out of commission until at least tomorrow, but I thought making you scream would be fun _and_ I would get revenge on Furlan.” Levi kissed along his belly while Eren ran his hands through Levi’s hair. “Kill two ducks with one stone.”

“For fuck’s sake, enough with the bird puns.” Though Eren laughed heartily. “Furlan does have a point though. We’re entitled to love one another, but not to force our sex lives on others.”

Levi leaned back on his heels. “Furlan doesn’t actually care.”

“The psychological warfare suggests otherwise.”

Levi helped Eren take his shirt off and kissed along his neck. He whispered in Eren’s ear, “If he really cared, he could close the vents in his room. The real lesson learned is Furlan is not as vanilla as we thought.”

Eren laughed. “Okay, but he had his heart trampled on today. The last thing he probably wants to hear is us fucking.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Levi leaned over Eren. “I think I can still make you scream though.”

Levi turned the flashlight on his phone on and flashed Eren’s face. Eren put his hands over his eyes as he asked, “What’s this? An interrogation?”

“Maybe. Maybe your commanding officer sent you on a dangerous mission, one you shouldn’t have returned from, and yet here you are.” Levi nibbled at Eren’s throat. “You canoodling with the zombie terrorists, soldier brat?”

“Levi, for your own mental health’s sake, I’m not sure we should roleplay,” Eren’s mouth said. His body was nodding under Levi’s hands though.

“That’s exactly what a traitor would say. Someone who would conspire with ducks.”

Eren blinked through the cellphone’s light. “Ducks? I thought it was zombies.”

“Are you sure?” Levi leaned over him. “Where are the ducks, Eren?”

“What are you talking about?”

“All the ducks that were in the garbage bag beneath your sink. Where are they?”

Eren paused. “Furlan didn’t say...I don’t know…”

Levi turned the flashlight away and went nose to nose with him. “Tilt your head back, Eren.”

“Why do I have the urge to do the exact opposite?”

“Do it.”

Eren did and at first he saw nothing. And then Levi swivelled the flashlight over the underside of the bed, catching the whites of about 100 rubber duck eyes.

“OH FUCK OFF.”

“Made you scream.”

Eren looked at him. Levi thought the half-starved street dogs Isabel liked to feed had a more rational look in their eyes than Eren. “We are not sleeping tonight.”

Levi liked that idea almost as much as he liked poking the animal Eren had become. “I’m okay with that, but we could just move the ducks.”

“Yeah? Oh yeah?” Eren grabbed the front of Levi’s shirt and not even the thought of a million dust bunnies could keep Levi’s dog down. “And Furlan could close the GODDAMN VENTS!”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you had some fun here. I know I did writing this dumpster fire on wheels headed for a steep slope. If you have the time, comments (concrit or otherwise) and kudos are always appreciated, but otherwise thank you for stopping by!
> 
> For anyone curious about the next and final part of the series, I’m setting a goal to have the first chapter go up on March 30th (we’ll say by 11:00 p.m. EST) because concrete goals are good and we’re still stuck inside in my part of the world. Also, that’s supposedly Eren’s birthday. See you soon and keep on keepin’ on!
> 
> If you didn't get a rose/card/candy for today, then consider this a love letter to you. I'm so sorry XD  
> (No I'm not...)


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